And even so, it has never been mine and the longing isn't diminished by the fact that to the rest of the world it's clichéd.

And I've read about it, watched it, heard about it, seen it, been told about it so many times. But it's never been mine. Oh I've had my own forays into the scene; watching paralyzed from behind the curtains, unable to do anything to change the course of the plot. No I never can do anything, I don't know how and don't have the nerve to even if I had the skills which I never have had, never understood. I'm so clumsy.

Oh but I want so much- do I have to spell it out? I only have the same desires as the rest of the human race. I want someone. I want someone whom I find interesting to find me interesting; I want mutual affection, respect, facination, passion. Any one of those by themselves would be fine; I'm not picky I can't afford to be.

They make it sound so easy, they make it look so simple. I've had heartache, I've had heartbreak. I don't care the risks, I know it can't be as good as they sing. But I'll take anything at this point, what ever I'm given I'll be gratefull for.

Because on top of all this is of course the clock. I can't sing I Am Sixteen Going on Seventeen anymore, I'm too old, and I'm only getting older. There's nothing to stop the March of Time, I understand that "youth is fleeting", and I can feel it slipping away before I've even used it yet. I haven't used it yet and I'll never get it back. Nonrefundable.

And that powerful little devil Ego mocks me still. I used to have full control over him, he was my pet and he did my bidding when I wished, how I wished. But he's been lost now for sometime. In many ways it's better that he's shrunk and I my perspective isn't so dominated by him. But he was a sweet thing who slept at the foot of my bed keeping me company and reassuring me that someone else would be there with me one day. One day came and went, and now he's left me, no one else has replaced him, and I worry I've lost my chance or never had one to begin with.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's anything to be done. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do anything. And I've almost lost hope that I will ever be able to love and be loved.

This Way | That Way

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